I only now realize that I never shared this actual letter I sent to several people in Simon & Schuster's office after hearing that they had given Milo a giant check to write a book. Seems appropriate now that his fans are shooting people along his lecture tour:
Dear Simon and/or Schuster,
I'm writing to you about Captain Fuckboy Milo Yiannopoulos. I'm sure you've heard about this sociopathic troll now and probably couldn't give a hearty shit what some bearded nobody from No Haven, CT has to say about him. Well, why don't you shut the fuck up for a second and let me finish?
Milo is a toilet rag. Every time he opens his mouth, people read less books and the IQ of the world drops. So, perhaps even money-grubbing, ethics-lacking, bottom-feeder Nazi memorabilia peddlers like you might decide that there's a stake worth considering there. Milo's thoughts are not literature, they're pyrrhic blazes set about at the perimeter of your Avenue of the Americas building. And you're high-fiving one another like you're passing the Olympic Torch through the office rather than carrying open flames around an empire made out of paperbacks. He hasn't come to set your quarterly returns on fire. He has just come to burn down the building you operate in.
I don't know your life. Maybe you too think that rape is justified or people that enjoy black female Ghostbusters should have their children's lives threatened, just as your good buddy Milo does. There's obviously something wrong with a business that'd even consider giving a squeezed pimple like Milo a larger platform rather than allowing him to vanish from the cultural landscape through the septic pathways he crept in from. All I'm asking is that whatever Satanic depravity transpires behind your office doors be kept in there. Rescue us from our news organizations, who can't help but legitimize whatever the markets deem worthy. I wouldn't dream of stepping into your offices and throwing feces on the walls, so all I ask is that you grant those of us left in this country with their goddamned heads screwed on straight the same level of decency.
No doubt Milo will contend, as he frequently does in his little bitch voice, that any attempt to block his $250,000 book deal is a free speech violation. If you can't see how this is an affront to actual free speech warriors, who actually risk something by speaking up or speaking out, then you deserve the inevitable future where your entire enterprise is transformed into a listicle of the ten public libraries left where people might be able to find used copies of your publications. Milo is free to spew his little thoughts in fringe imprints or online, where desperately pathetic young failed mass shooters gather to masturbate over images of women crying and feeling powerless. You know this. You know that your circulation racket is only an amplifier, not a larynx. Milo and his troll armies are the death squads of free speech, exterminating any voice that might suggest that playing video games that deny a woman’s autonomy or LULZing about how cool it is to be white doesn’t quite pass for a point of view.
Douchenozzles like Milo already have voices, loud ones. I'm sure you must be impressed by the way he has already been able to kick and scratch his way into conversations with intelligent people who should know better. It's the kind of Goebbels/ Bernays/ marketing wet-dream that all for-profit communications corporations aspire to, a Horatio Alger story for people who think Horatio Alger should be deported and kicked off healthcare. I'm not going to be naive to assume that just because you publish other non-fascist material that you give half a fuck about your complicity in his scorched earth “politics”. Any collusion with the alt-wrong to utilize "free speech" against minorities attempting to stand up for themselves in a world that historically doesn't have the time to listen to them beneath the clatter of white guys like Milo yapping is just set dressing for that ol’ massive accumulation of capital, of which Milo’s queef of a book plays just a small role. But trust me when I say that the situation is rough out there. I mean, the fact that there are dudes who still stick their dick into Milo from time to time just goes to show you the severe levels of hopelessness that persist in much of the LGBTQ community.
In the sink or swim arms race of publish-or-perish, I'm sure you're more than happy to weaponize the pages your publications against your own readership if it'll get you little more of that other sweet filthy paper that you love even more. But maybe you can take a few moments out from your Nazi appeasement to just consider that the rest of us are already drowning in the gutter Milo and his ilk have carved out for us. And if we all stop reading anything with an SS imprint on it, you'll be right down here with us soon enough (like Wilde, looking up at the neutron star that once was your papercut empire).
So in the interest of your own self-interest, you hapless greedy snipes, take caution before polishing a turd off to sell in the health food aisle. Books are important things and we shouldn’t let the lowest vermin amongst us belittle them just so generation libertarian dipshit can finally have their own Milos’ Kampf, a training manual on how to win friends and influence people through sexual harassment and mocking the disadvantaged.
Thanks for your time. And if you’ve read this far, please know that you can make more money being an administrative assistant in literally any other industry. Quit your job and flee the sinking ship you’re on.
Book Reader/Endangered Species
P.S. My apologies for the coarse tone of this correspondence, but you're publishing a book by Milo so I figured it best to communicate in a manner S&S/Threshold might appreciate. But seriously, best of luck you all and congratulations on digging this impressive hole. I'm sure that when Milo's book flops and you refuse to publish his next one, 4Chan will humbly accept the detente and have nothing but nice things to say about Carolyn Reidy and her family.