Thursday, February 18, 2016

Column Envy

With more primaries and super Tuesday coming up and Senator Sanders rising in nearly every poll, you can expect liberalism's thinkpiecetanks to get on the defensive.  So, to prepare yourself, here's a sneak peek of some of the types of headlines you'll be seeing in the upcoming weeks. They'll be deciding which bylines will be assigned to Thomas Friedman or David Brooks on a rotating basis.


Only One Candidate Has the Guts to Ask Exxonmobil Super-Politely to Change Their Entire Business Model or to Do Some Kind of Halfsy Compromise in Exchange for a Position At the Department of the Interior

Here's Why Working Class People Are Wrong About How Much Money They Can Live On #TheFightFor$7.26

Bernie Sanders is a Man of Integrity and Honesty, but the Economy Will Collapse if We Don't Occasionally Drone Strike the Fuck Out of Some Women and Children

Killer Mike or Some Other Prominent Sanders Supporter from the Black Community Said Something That's Not So Outrageous But Something a Black Person Is Not Allowed to Say- Why Hasn't Bernie Sanders Thrown Them Under the Bus, Which Would Incidentally Win Back Black Support That Hillary Clinton Has Been Losing?

17 Logical Fallacies That Absolutely PROVE That Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump Are Exactly the Same

The Best Option For Your Dying Debt-Riddled Cancer Patient Relative Is For Pharmaceutical Companies to Keep Running Multi-Million Dollar Ads During the Superbowl

We've Placed a Lot of Stock in Presenting Millennials As Apathetic Entitled Fuck-Ups and Now Their Do-Goodery and Knowledge of the Issues Has Got to Stop

My Parents Worked Hard to Put Me Through College and It Built Character and Class-Based Antipathy in Me 

You Won't Believe Who Thinks They Have a Right to Autonomy Now

Sure, I Smoked Marijuana and Didn't Get Caught, but That Doesn't Mean We Shouldn't Stop Ruining People's Lives Who Are Not Me and My Upper-Middle Class Stoner Classmates Who Now All Coincidentally Work At the Same Strategy Consulting Firm

Something About White Collar Feminism and Women Sticking Together That's Not Even a Distant Cousin of First, Second or Third Wave Feminism and Somehow Passive-Aggressively Undermines the Pleas of Working Women, Women of Color, Trans Women, and Sex Workers.

Why Waiting Around Until Popular Opinion Has Changed Actually Benefits Oppressed Peoples With No Time to Wait

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